Please, Advise Me!

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Prof.Dr. Hanna David 888   -   09-10-2021

About three times a week I get an urgent mail with the subject: “Please, advise me!”; ”What shall I do with my gifted son?” or even “Urgent – I need your help”. These mails can be divided into two kinds: most of them seek free advice, whether by mail or by telephone; some even let me know when they are available for my phone call. Some parents tell me that they want their son – in more than 90% it is a son rather than a daughter – will be identified by me. While these parents always start their mail by praising my articles and books – meaning the Hebrew ones published in the Hebrew Psychology web [], as they do not read any of my English or French publications from [] or Researchgate [], they actually do not seem to read them. Had they read they would have known that 1. I do not diagnose children; 2. I object to diagnosing children in most cases. In most cases the aim of diagnosing for giftedness is to attach the “gifted” label to the child. This is almost never for the child’s sake; it is almost always a need of the parent. Sometimes the parent feels that if his child is identified as gifted he is to be proud whether because he has supplied her the “right” genes or he has educated her well. Sometimes But the most common reason for the need of parents to get the “Gifted” label for their child is their inability to see the child as a person of his own, as a human being just like any other human being – child, adolescent or adult, but rather as an extension of themselves. Instead of accepting the fact that a child is just shorter than the parent, but already a person with his own feelings, ideas, wishes, preferences – the parent who is not able to separate from the child believes that the child is to materialize his own hopes, his own wishes, his own desires. The parent believes that “only if” he is “to give the child everything possible”; “supply the child with the best possible teachers”, “send the child to the most prestigious sports/dancing/music teacher” – the child will do extremely well. He will do “everything I have not done”; “things I have had no opportunity to do”, “achieve higher than me – maybe higher than anybody else in the family”. Please think again. Here is the beautiful poem Your children are not your children by Jibran Khalil Jibran[1] that will teach you an important lesson The lesson is far more important than just in cases you fell your child “must be identified for giftedness”. It will help you become a much better parent. Here you can listen to it: Here is the Turkish translation: Çocuklar Üzerine Çocuklarınız sizin çocuklarınız değil Onlar hayatın kendisinin kız ve oğulları Sizin sayenizde geldiler Ama sizden değiller Ve sizinle olsalar bile Onlar kendilerine aitler Onlara sevginizi verebilirsiniz Ama düşüncelerinizi değil. Kendi düşüncelerine sahip oldukları için Onların bedenlerine ev sağlamış olabilirsiniz Ama ruhlarına değil Kendi ruhları yarınların evinde yaşadığı için Ziyaret edemezsiniz Rüyalarınızda bile. Onlar gibi olmak için uğraşabilirsiniz Ama bu uğraşınız onları siz gibi yapmaz Hayat devam ettiği için ne geçmiş ne de dünle vakit kaybetmeyin Sizler birer yaysınız, çocuklarınızdan Canlı oklar başka şekilde gönderilirken Nişancı sonsuzluk yolunda bir işaret görüyor Ve sizi hızlı ve uzaklara giden Oklarının gücüyle eğiyor Memnuniyet için nişancının ellerinde eğilmene izin ver Uçan okları sevdiği gibi Sabit olan her şeyi sever Memnuniyet için nişancının ellerinde eğilmene izin ver Uçan okları seviyor bile olsa Sabit duran yayları da sever aynı zamanda

[1] The exact name is actually Jubrān Khalil Jubran but due to a mistake made when entering the country the poet “inherited” this spelling inaccuracy and never changed it officially.
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Prof.Dr. Hanna David Written by

Hanna David received her PhD, "magna cum laude", from Ludwig Maximilians Universität, München and was a college lecturer in Psychology and literature. Dr. Dav


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